Tag: #funnyblogs

So I was thinking…

I sometimes enjoy a cup of hot tea and have been known to order it when I’m out having a meal. The caveat is never at dinner or at a busy restaurant where the establishment sells alcohol, and, for some reason, hot tea is just randomly on the menu because someone initially thought it would be a good idea. So basically, the rule is never when the place is packed, and the server is swamped because it’s a pain in the ass.

I can tell you from experience that when you order hot tea during any of the above examples, “lovely” or “sophisticated” are not words used to describe you behind the scenes. And if you want to add to your douchebaggery image, smugly order it with a side of honey so that everyone within earshot will know how health conscious you are.

If you still feel that your sexy Friday night out on the town won’t be complete without a steaming cup of Chamomile with honey, then just be aware that your server will be out of commission for the next 15-20 minutes as they wait for the crystalized goo at the bottom of the sticky bottle that never gets used or cleaned to glob out onto the counter, their hands and hopefully, some will even make it into a ramekin. Then, as the server spends the rest of their evening trying to peel cocktail napkins, guest checks, and stray hair from their gummy fingertips, you will get the pleasure of leaving an indignant one-star review on Yelp because it took forever to get your drink and all you ordered was a cup of hot tea.

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Yes, I’m sure

The other night a guy I used to work with called. When I saw his name on my phone, I let it go to voicemail. He’s a friendly kid, maybe 30, and a massive fan of comedy. We worked together at a bar and restaurant a few years back, and he’d always tell me jokes and bits that he’d heard on a comedy channel radio station that they played non-stop in the kitchen.

Professional comedians hate that, but I’d give the fake “that’s funny” response and walk away. Once, he started repeating a famous comic’s joke, and when he was done, I named the comic and said, “We made out in a van in Austin.” From that point on, I was this kid’s hero.

I stopped doing stand-up seriously years ago, so people telling me jokes and trying to talk comedy these days is like telling me about seeing my old boyfriend with some hot young chick. Good for him, but I don’t care anymore. Let him break her heart now.

When I listened to his message, he sounded down and said he just wanted to talk and could use a good laugh right now. Fuck. It was late, and I was tired and didn’t feel like talking, but I also didn’t want to be responsible if he did something to hurt himself and I could’ve helped but was too lazy to call back, so I did. He was fine. He was binge-watching comedy specials on Netflix. After telling me a few of his favorite jokes, he said he was feeling depressed because he wanted to do stand-up.

Well, being depressed is a good first step.

He lamented for a few minutes, so I said, “Then write five minutes and find an open mic.”

More lamenting. “Five minutes seems like a lot. I don’t know how. Blah, blah.”

I said, “Five minutes is a lot, and nobody knows how to do it at first. Write down some ideas that you think are funny. Then figure out how you want to say them. It’s like telling someone a story.”

“That’s it?” He asked

“That’s it.” I said

“Any writing advice?”

“Yes. Ass in a chair.”

Sit down and write badly. Keep writing badly until you don’t anymore. And then repeat.

That’s the secret of writing and comedy- keep doing it until you don’t suck at it as much.

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And Never Brought to Mind?

Heading into the new year, I’ve decided to focus on two things: drinking more water and eating real food. Since I already know how to eat and drink and am pretty efficient at both, it feels like cheating choosing those as my resolutions. But since those were the first things that popped into my head, I figured I should go with it so that I don’t jinx myself or have regrets later. Because in the past, whenever I’ve had to make a choice, say, for example, a question on a driver’s test or an entrée on a menu and I don’t go with the first thing that comes to mind and switch it up at the last minute, it never ends well.

Besides, being hydrated and not eating processed junk can only help me feel better and achieve the other goals I may have thought about after drinking more water and eating real food.

And, you know what? I genuinely believe that most of life’s problems could be solved if everyone would just eat real food instead of the sad American diet, even though once or twice a year, I sneak through a Taco Bell drive thru and order three crunchy tacos with extra cheese and sour cream and then hide in my car and try to eat them before the shame kicks in.

Okay, after considering it, I’d like to add “always go with my first choice” to drinking more water and eating real food.

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