I Simply Remember My Least Favorite Things

There are many silly and pointless things that I choose to obsess about in life. Here are a few of them…

Being waved on at a stop sign: Thanks for your permission to drive. I do realize that my left-hand turn is putting you three seconds behind schedule and in danger of not getting your favorite table at Starbucks, which could totally mess up the creative flow of your script.

Take solace in knowing that The Universe has big plans for you and will most definitely kill me later for having the right of way now.

Also, stopping two car lengths behind the stop sign doesn’t count as stopping at the sign. Not your turn. Nice try, sneaky Pete.

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Yelp Reviews: You ate at a restaurant and have internet access. You’re not a food critic.

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This conversation: “You’re right, I’m skinny. No, I haven’t lost weight. Yes, I’m positive. Nope, not sick. Yep, pretty sure.”

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Over enunciating: Talking to you, Kerry Washington of ABC’s Scandal.

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Duck lip selfies: Please stop.

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In other words: No need. I was somehow able to decrypt the ones chosen in the first go-round.

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Cream-colored ponies and crisp apple strudel:

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Also, this: “Really? Because you don’t look funny.”

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Photos of every piece of food you shove into your face: See duck lip selfies.

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Craft Cocktails: We ain’t got all day. Ice, vodka, lime. You’re welcome.

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And, finally…

The multiple question mark text: It’s understood that you’re asking a question, would like it answered immediately and feel you are just displaying a sense of urgency.

Nope, you’re being a bossy cow.

Let’s agree that until there’s a “Hold your breath/stomp your feet” emoji, you use only the needed amount of punctuation and I will respond to your text in the order that it was received.